Thanks to one Cavs fan who happens to be a professor of psychology, we now have a nifty evaluation that proves conclusively what we already suspected: Cleveland is borderline obsessive about LeBron.

To summarize the main points of Allen McConnell’s study, let’s Cleveland is a kindergartner. This isn’t much of a stretch.

#1. LeBron is our favorite toy, and no one else gets to play with him. As far as we’re concerned, we saw him first, and that means dibs. We’ve developed this very creepy, unhealthy attachment to him. Some of us may even be under the delusion that we have some sort of claim to his firstborn child. Some of us.

#2. LeBron is good for our fragile ego. As a six-time NBA all-star with back-to-back MVP titles and a heap of records and recognitions, psychosis problem #1 makes us want to claim credit for the phenomenon that is LBJ. We want to consider him as part of ourselves, a phenomenon that McConnell calls “Basking in Reflected Glory.” Seeing as Clevelanders imitate and (quite literally) bask in the flakes of LeBron’s chalk toss, I’m pretty sure McConnell’s onto something.

#3. Cleveland is like that kid who got picked on in elementary school. We’re a delicate, damaged flower of a child, and we know we’re not the cool kids. That’s why when the luck of the draw landed the king of the cool kids next to us in class, we clung to him, hoping the blinding glow of his shiny near-perfection might rub off a little on us. We are cool by association.

McConnell goes on to list off LeBron’s litany of other virtues, such as his team-player persona and his feel-good personal story, but ultimately, it comes down to Cleveland being selfish, insecure, and uncool.

Sure, that sounds about right.