Right now, the relationship between LeBron James and Cleveland is very much like that of an indecisive, attractive “big man on campus” and his anxiously accommodating, would-be girlfriend. She’s fairly cute and he knows that she would be unquestionably loyal to him, but there are some other gorgeous specimens out there vying for his attention.

So, he strings her along, never letting her in on where he’s leaning, until he can decide who will offer him the best possible deal.

But what happens if he doesn’t pick the anxious girl? Will she go completely psychotic, slash his tires, and act like a full-blown lunatic every time she sees him?

Let’s ask Art Modell! Why, yes. That is a Cleveland site entirely devoted to waiting for Art Modell to die.

I think my analogy’s question is answered.

So, is LeBron holding us hostage? This writer from Sports Illustrated seems to think so. In fact, Frank Hughes counsels LeBron to “be like Mike” and model his upcoming decision after Michael Jordan’s relationship with the Bulls during the 1990s. At the end of his contract, Jordan could have strung the Bulls along while trying to court every team in the country for a higher salary. But he didn’t. And his legacy is better for it, says David Falk, Jordan’s agent at the time.

“The biggest thing I preach to my players is they have power,” Falk tells SI.com. “Don’t abuse that power, but use it to your advantage.”

Falk then goes to even further extremes to warn LeBron:

“If LeBron James leaves Cleveland he will be a pariah, he will be a Benedict Arnold. I don’t think he understands the implications of his decision. If he leaves, Cleveland’s economy is going to tank, he is that important.”

The other great take-away from this interview: Falk says if LeBron wants to win, he should stick with Cleveland, but if he wants to be a star, he should absolutely not go to Chicago or Los Angeles, where he will always be competing with the legacies of Jordan and Kobe Bryant, respectively.

See? The “fairly cute” girl is looking better all the time, isn’t she, LeBron? Besides, if you decide you don’t want to stay with us, you probably would still like to have the option of traveling through Ohio on occasion.

So just be real with us, LBJ. And we won’t slash your tires.