Above: Three pieces of a threatening threesome? … Wait, that came out wrong.

Opening day of LeBron-hunting season approaches! Which means the world of sports news is constantly whirling into a veritable hurricane of hearsay.

It’s chaos, guys. For realzies.

1. The Trio of Terror … or the Quartet of Consequence?

So The Chicago Tribune reported this week that Miami Heat’s Dwyane Wade plans to form a little frat pack party with LeBron James and Atlanta Hawks’ Joe Johnson this summer. Then ESPN reports Chris Bosh of the Toronto Raptors may also have a coveted invite to play with the cool kids.

Okay, so it’s not weird that they’re talking. But it’s weird that they’re telling us they’re talking. And disheartening for Cleveland, because all this unprecedented openness is like a giant, blinking neon sign that screams, “HEY, TEAMS WITH CAP ROOM! START SALIVATING!”

Granted, that would be a really big neon sign.

That leaves only a handful of teams with the signing room for an assortment of superstars. Yeah, yeah, we’re looking at you, New York, New Jersey and Miami.

As much as it pains me to admit it, this is the first decent argument in favor of the Knicks that I’ve heard.

2. The Quest for a Coach

In the wake of Mike Brown’s firing, the Cavs are looking at another Brown for a coaching replacement (what is it with Cleveland and Browns, right?). This time, it’s Larry Brown,  à la Charlotte Bobcats. Problem is, he and LeBron locked horns during the 2004 Olympics.

Kelvin Sampson is apparently a contender, too. Who? … yeah. Exactly. Meet the Cavs’ Plan B.

Of course, the name that has everyone in Cleveland giddy is that of Phil Jackson, better known as He Who Wears 10 Championship Rings. The man is like the King Midas of basketball. … what? Too brainy for a basketball blog? Google it, people.

The point is, sources say the Lakers might ask Jackson take a pay cut, which could trigger the coach to opt for free agency himself. 

Free agency, friends. It’s not just for players!

3. LeBron Attends Cleveland Concert; Clevelanders Overreact Accordingly.

So last night LeBron went to a hip hop concert featuring Toronto-born hip hop artist Drake at the Cleveland House of Blues. Somehow, this is a secret signal that LBJ intends to stay in Cleveland, Cavs fans tell me.

I wish I could explain to the rest of you how this proves anything, but I can’t. All I can tell you is what The Cleveland Plain Dealer wrote on it:

It may not mean anything, but we’d rather have him here than hanging out someplace else.

Okay, fair enough. But if you ask me, this should be making Raptors fans hopeful, not Cavs fans.

P.S. Speaking of rumors. Hey. Cleveland Plain Dealer! Did you rip off my Doom Meter by making your own LeBron-o-Meter? Granted, yours is cooler because it’s animated. But, still.

Still.