Above: The only person whose proverbial list I actually want to read right now.
1. Like everyone else, ESPN has come out with a gripping list of top five guesses for who will get LBJ 2.0. Guess who’s at the top?
I’ll give you a hint. Their river caught on fire.
If you said “Cleveland,” you are clearly unacquainted with the mutually disdainful relationship enjoyed by ESPN and my hometown. No, I’m speaking of the other Midwestern city with a flammable river, although people don’t force-feed them near as much crap for it as they do us for ours.
Here’s the deal with Chicago. Two weeks ago, there were seven teams’ names being screamed by pundits. Two weeks later, nothing has changed, but for some inexplicable reason, everyone is wetting their pants over the Bulls.
This guy is wetting his pants, too.
… Although he does throw in the Cavs, Nets, Knicks and Heat, in that order of likelihood, to prevent you from catching on.
Now you don’t have to read the article. You’re welcome.
2. New theory! The Celtics’ dramatic winning streak might help the Cavaliers keep LeBron. Confused? I can explain in three sentences: Don’t feel bad, LeBron! It’s not that the Cavs are bad. It’s that the Celtics are so good!
Keep that theory firmly in mind while watching the Saturday night Celtics game against Orlando!
3. Oh, and Chris Bosh supposedly submitted his own trade wishlist to his manager—and there are rumored to be five teams on it, too! Substitute “Lakers” for “Nets,” and it’s allegedly identical to ESPN’s list, in fact. Just one caveat: rumor has it Bosh is still loitering around LeBron to see where he goes, so Bosh can hop a plane there, too.
Update: Chris Bosh denies the existence of said spellbinding list. Of course.
Above: I fully intended to write a caption for this, but Chris Bosh is scaring me.
Look, Canada. No, literally look. Right here, across Lake Erie.
Cleveland doesn’t ask for very much from you. Your miraculously nutritious bacon. Maybe some maple syrup (I’m blanking on Canadian exports that aren’t breakfast foods). But right now, we don’t need Bosh using any boyscout hand gestures to signal LBJ where their next meet-up should be. No, right now, we’re asking you to keep your boy in line. And in Toronto.
Unless you’d prefer to send him to Cleveland.
In which case, we will accept this kind gift from you, our Northern allies, as a token of our international friendship.
4. I know just yesterday people told you King James should leave because his kingdom mollycoddles him, but that was before we asked the greatest running back in NFL history what he thought. Former Cleveland Browns player Jim Brown says expectations are actually too high in C-land, and that’s why LeBron will book it.
Of course! I bet that if LeBron goes somewhere else, the hype will be much more realistic. It’s not as if fans in other states have been emblazoning jerseys with his name and number.
Oh, wait.
Never fear, though, because LeBron is famous for tempering expectations—as exemplified by that time he got the words “Chosen One” branded on his back.
But it’s rather poetic, really; no matter where LeBron goes, his shoulders bear a symbolically permanent reminder of the weight of his status!
5. Dallas Mavs owner Mark Cuban professed his undying love for LeBron.
I know. I know. That isn’t actually a rumor at all. In fact, instead of playing the never-ending game of “telephone” like everyone else, Cuban just came out and told the media he wants LeBron.
“If he decides to leave—there’s still a better chance he stays—then he’ll try to force a sign-and-trade, and that gives us a chance.”
Oh, Cuban. Thank you for this. Right now things are pretty stressful, but it will be diverting distraction to see what you’ll get for thumbing your nose at the NBA’s tampering rules!
Update: I just choked on a cheesestick. Turns out Cuban’s blabbermouth will cost him $100,000. I hope your conspicuous winking at LeBron was worth it, Cuban. Do not mess with the NBA Commissioner David Stern.
