December 2010
2 posts
Breaking News: "Losing LeBron" Collaboration
After several months of toiling over this project on my own, I feel very privileged to be joining the “Losing LeBron” team. From their site:
LOSING LEBRON is a feature-length documentary chronicling NBA superstar LeBron James’ first season with the Miami Heat, through the eyes of the fans he left behind.
LOSING LEBRON will go deep into the homes and workplaces of Cleveland...
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Are We At the Apex of LeBromageddon?
ABOVE: Video by Eric Knappenburger, alias @CAVSWitness, effectively summarizing some of the resentment driving Clevelanders to tonight’s game. Look, everyone is entitled to their opinion! Isn’t that so, Erin Andrews?
If ever we were to pinpoint a climax of LeBromageddon, tonight would certainly be in the running. Yours truly will be shooting all day in downtown Cleveland and...
November 2010
1 post
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It's Coming: Final Showdown at the Q
We’re on the threshold of the day that Clevelanders have long awaited (with much gnashing of teeth). Would-be spectators of next week’s game are shelling out some considerable cash to be in attendance on Dec. 2, the day that LeBron James waltzes back onto the court over which he once reigned.
There’s been a lot of talk about restrictions on the wearing of any anti-LeBron gear...
October 2010
1 post
Heat Stroke: Cleveland Roots for Celts, Cavs...
ABOVE: Yeah, so much for this. This coronation party came a smidge too soon.
The Celtics Shut Down the Heat
The NBA season started off with a bang, and, as expected, the media swarm took over Boston last night at TD Garden. All in anticipation of the Heat hoopla.
Then the original Big Three took on the the new Three Kings, and everything became so much less glamorous and glittery for LeBron,...
September 2010
1 post
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LBJ Sucker Punches Cleveland. Again.
A big thanks to The Upper Deck for the helpful reminder that Miami’s city skyline is cooler than ours.
Seriously, Miami? You take our star player and our marketing campaign? Why don’t you take our beloved Free Stamp, too? You can have the world’s largest rubber stamp when you pry its spongy goodness from our cold, dead fingers.
Actually, maybe you can have that.
… As...
August 2010
2 posts
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New Jerseys: Carthartic for Cavs Fans?
ABOVE: Video from the initial “reveals” of the new Cavs jerseys. I cannot be held responsible for how many times the emcee says “yes, indeed” or “the original wine expression.” I tried to edit it out to save you all … but I got tired.
It’s worth noting that the last time new Cavaliers jerseys were introduced, LeBron James had just been drafted...
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Thank-A-Thon: Too Little, Too Late?
ABOVE: Please forgive the annoyingly distracting yellow noodle behind LeBron. It was every man (and skinny camera-bearing journo) for himself in the media dugout area, and there was no way I could move. So just embrace the noodle.
It was significantly smaller in scale than previous years, but LeBron James still managed to receive a disturbingly Jesus-like reception at the ”King for...
July 2010
7 posts
2 tags
10 Craziest Events of LeBromageddon
ABOVE: Now that we’ve been kicked to the curb, here’s a collage of embarrassing LeBron pictures, in the time-honored tradition of any one who’s ever been rejected. Take that, LeBron! Who’s humiliated now, huh? Or not.
All right, I know it’s been a while since I posted. Not since Thursday, in fact.
… Look, I was coping with the pain, okay? I know I’m...
LeBromageddon the Movie: Finale or Folly?
In just a few hours, millions will tune in to watch the closing curtain for LeBromageddon: an hour-long special titled (okay, somewhat pompously) “The Decision.”
It’s one part brilliant marketing move, one part disastrous media circus. A fitting finale to the mania of the past 8 days.
Optimistic Cavs fans have already orchestrated watch parties in hopes they will turn into...
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LeBromageddon Heats Up
Cavs fans woke up this morning with an unsavory taste in our mouths. It tasted of defeat.
And Heat.
Also, money.
While hopeful Clevelanders slept fitfully in our beds, the NBA prepared to drop a bomb on our feeble dreams: late last night, a league cap was announced that was a full $2 million higher than originally expected. This extra cap space allowed the Miami Heat to make LeBron James an...
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Oh, Canada, How We'd Love Thee!
It wasn’t long ago when I pointed out that Canada’s greatest export to the United States would easily be Chris Bosh. Now ESPN’s Chris Broussard is saying sources tell him the Toronto Raptors are kosher with a sign-and-trade.
In which case, most likely we’re looking at some mixture of Varejao, West, Hickson, and/or Parker with a possible draft pick thrown in to sweeten...
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On the Front Line of LeBromageddon
Today I camped outside the IMG building along with Cleveland media and the most loyal of Cavs fans for the first day of LeBron hunting season.
“It can’t take more than a week,” says one cameraman, looking exhausted as the mid-afternoon sun beats down mercilessly on us. “Right?”
“My sources say he wants to wrap this up by the weekend,” another cameraman...
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Welcome to the Cavs! Now ... Help?!
The first day of LeBromageddon dawned with reports pouring in that the Cavaliers have a new head coach at last: Byron Scott.
And with that, the Cavaliers have reportedly snared a coach who could be the only one in the NBA willing to sign on without knowing whether LeBron is part of the package.
If his contract negotiations with the Cavs is finalized, Scott faces a daunting challenge....
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No Shaw: LBJ Catch-22 Strikes Again
For those of you who were holding out hope for Brian Shaw, sorry to be the perpetual bearer of bad news, but he withdrew from the running late last night.
“I know they have a timeline to hire a coach and I wasn’t able to meet that timeline,” Shaw told Yahoo! Sports. “I didn’t want to hold things up. It’s a great organization.”
But sources close to the Lakers assistant coach are saying he was...
June 2010
13 posts
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Happy LeBromageddon Eve, Cavs Fans!
Here we are, on the cusp of history in the making. At the stroke of midnight tonight, LeBron goes free agent. What more can we say?
We’ll continue to report the rumors and developments over the next couple of days, of course. And for my part, I will continue to trek across Ohio and shoot video/interview the good people of Ohio who would like to see LeBron stay. I could elaborate on this...
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Chris Bosh Still In the Cards for Cavs?
Today in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Terry Pluto published a prospectus of possibilities for the impending LeBromageddon, one of which included a scenario where the Cavaliers end up with the Toronto Raptors’ Chris Bosh.
I’ve heard this scenario millions of times, and I’d originally pronounced it dead on arrival, but I’m going to blog about it any way because I’d be...
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Where Will YOU Be On Judgment Day?
Judgment Day is nigh! Prepare for the tearing of clothing, the weeping of Cavs Dancers, and a plague to beset the Land of Cleve as you have never before Witnessed.
In other words, take a look at our fiery countdown, and you’ll see we have less than 2 days until LeBron goes free agent. Which means it’s time we face facts and ask ourselves—where do we want to be during...
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Letterman Needles the Nets for C-Town
Cleveland recently received some ardent (and highly entertaining) support from an unlikely source: David Letterman, host of The Late Show, deftly skewers rapper-turned-businessman Jay-Z, who is also part-owner of the New Jersey Nets.
By the way, if you needed me to point that out, you haven’t been following the debacle that is LeBromageddon very closely.
About 40 seconds in, the...
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Even Troy Smith says "Please stay, LBJ"
NFL quarterback and Heisman trophy-winner Troy Smith is one hometown hero who ended up leaving Ohio. After quarterbacking for the beloved Ohio State Buckeyes, the native Clevelander was drafted by one of the town’s biggest football rivals, the dreaded Baltimore Ravens.
I’ll pause for a collective Cleveland shudder.
… But seeing as Smith was back in Cleveland hosting a...
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Shaw v. Scott: Same Initials, Not Styles
Everyone’s favorite Cavs beat writer Brian Windhorst tweeted last night that management plans to meet with Lakers assistant coach Brian Shaw for an interview in the next day or so. Shortly thereafter, there may be an offer to Shaw or Byron Scott on the table.
Both Shaw and Scott would be up for the Lakers’ head coaching position right now, but considering LA just enjoyed a nice...
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LeBromageddon Goes Weirdly Political
If you’re a politician, don’t you dare fall on the wrong side of the LeBron issue. That’s the very definition of political suicide in this state.
Republican gubernatorial candidate John Kasich’s heart was probably in the right place when he told Alan Colmes of FOX News that he was more concerned with the loss of jobs in Ohio than with LeBron’s impending...
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Izzo: "No Wizzo" to LeBrizzo's Cavalizzos
Sorry for the headline. I just had to squeeze one last opportunity to fool around with the fun that is Tom Izzo’s name.
Goodbizzo, Tom Izzo. We’ll mizzo talking about yizzo.
… Okay, I’m done now, swear.
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Cleveland's Mania: A Psych Evaluation!
Thanks to one Cavs fan who happens to be a professor of psychology, we now have a nifty evaluation that proves conclusively what we already suspected: Cleveland is borderline obsessive about LeBron.
To summarize the main points of Allen McConnell’s study, let’s Cleveland is a kindergartner. This isn’t much of a stretch.
#1. LeBron is our favorite toy, and no one else gets to...
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The Onion Pokes LeBron Some More
I love pretty much everything about this. Particularly the part where they derisively question LeBron’s love-making skills!
Also, it introduces a question that begs discussing: how much would you pay to eat sushi off of LBJ’s abs? Not “if.” How much.
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Celebs v. Cleveland: Et tu, Chris Rock?
So New York continues to amass its glittery army of worshipful celebrities with one target in sight: one LeBron Raymone James. I’m sure no one is shocked by this, as it really isn’t news.
And you know what else isn’t news? This gem from Donald Trump:
“I am in many different cities, but I can tell you, LeBron, there is only one New York.”
By the way, there’s...
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LeBromageddon Claims Ferry's Job, Too
Today Yahoo Sports had the blogosphere in an uproar when they broke the news that …
Wait. Let’s pause and meditate on that for a second. Yahoo can still break news! Take that, Google!
Back to my point. Today Yahoo Sports broke the news that Danny Ferry has resigned as general manager of the Cleveland Cavaliers after five seasons.
Cavs fans are fairly stunned. Although we all knew...
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Cleveland is LeBron's Favorite Blankie
If you read the headlines of the newspapers summarizing LeBron’s first media interview since the Boston Massacre, you’d think Cleveland had this in the bank.
“LeBron Makes Cavaliers Front-Runners to Re-sign Him!”
“LeBron Says Cavaliers Have ‘Edge’ in Signing Him!”
“James Says Cavaliers Lead His Suitors!”
(Side note: New York Times,...
May 2010
18 posts
2 tags
Is LeBron Holding Cleveland Hostage?
Right now, the relationship between LeBron James and Cleveland is very much like that of an indecisive, attractive “big man on campus” and his anxiously accommodating, would-be girlfriend. She’s fairly cute and he knows that she would be unquestionably loyal to him, but there are some other gorgeous specimens out there vying for his attention.
So, he strings her along, never...
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Happy LeBron Appreciation Day! Really.
For years, Akron’s solitary claim to fame was being the “Rubber Capital of the World.” And the founding of the Professional Bowlers Association! Oh, and let’s not forget “the Crossroads of the Deaf.”
Don’t ask.
But for the past 11 years, Akron has gone by another name: the birthplace of LeBron. That beats being the birthplace of the tire industry, any...
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Rumor Mill Roundup #3: Trio of Terror
Above: Three pieces of a threatening threesome? … Wait, that came out wrong.
Opening day of LeBron-hunting season approaches! Which means the world of sports news is constantly whirling into a veritable hurricane of hearsay.
It’s chaos, guys. For realzies.
1. The Trio of Terror … or the Quartet of Consequence?
So The Chicago Tribune reported this week that Miami Heat’s...
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AP Report: LeBron Leaving for Florida?
The Associated Press is reporting that LeBron is headed to Florida as we speak … a jaguar named LeBron, that is.
Ha! Fooled you. And so did the AP. Here’s an excerpt:
Whether NBA superstar LeBron James is staying with the Cleveland Cavaliers is still a big question, but the Akron Zoo said Thursday it will say goodbye to another LeBron, a jaguar born there last year.
By...
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I challenge you not to jam to this.
Now, this video? This video is a jam fit for a King. This rapper perfectly summarizes Cleveland’s affection for LeBron James, as well as why this King needs this kingdom.
Why couldn’t they have commissioned this guy instead of putting out that video that reeked of desperation, the “We Are LeBron” disaster?
When I get a second, I’m transcribing this. I dare you...
Witness Wednesday: LBJ's Chalk Clap
Above: Clap your hands if you believe, Cleveland. Photo credit: Nike, possibly?
I’m not sure who took this precise photo, but there are actually hundreds of similar pictures out there. They all capture a moment during LeBron’s famous “chalk clap,” a ritual he has revisited night after night since the days he played on his high school’s court.
For those unfamiliar...
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Bagels? That's your argument? Please.
Above: Delicious New York bagels eagerly await LBJ in hopes of being eaten.
I’d like to file the following theory under “Lamest LeBron-based Logic.”
The following prediction, outrageously, comes from a writer for Sports Illustrated. I guess I should have known the post was going to tick me off, because a) the author argues in favor of LeBron’s move to New York and b) he...
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Another Casualty of LeBromageddon
As of about 2 a.m. this morning, multiple sources confirmed that Mike Brown, the most successful coach in Cavaliers history, was given the boot.
Cue the obsequious, squeaky-clean PR statements from managers!
“I have truly enjoyed working with Mike Brown. Mike has played a huge role in turning around the Cavs organization,” general manager Danny Ferry’s carefully crafted public statement...
One Fan's Open Letter to LeBron James
Dear LeBron:
Thank you for everything you’ve done for our city in the seven years you have been in the NBA. Thank you for giving us a reason to go downtown again, a reason to turn on the game, and a reason to brag to our out-of-town friends and relatives. You made the Cavs the crown jewel of Cleveland sports, a nearly impossible feat in a football town like ours. For the first time in my life,...
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Mike Brown: Is He Gone by Midnight?
Update @ 2:12 a.m.- ESPN is reporting that the Cavs have indeed fired Mike Brown, according to “a source close to the head coach.” We’ll have more in the morning. Probably in the form of a photo montage in his memory. Because that’s my style.
One of the saddest casualties of LeBromageddon has to be the Cavaliers’ beloved, bespectacled coach.
Is Mike Brown a...
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Photoshopping is Fun for Everyone!
And now for a photo montage of various versions of LeBron James, digitally manipulated by hopeful fans to suit the team of your choosing!
I think I’ll grade them.
You had to use your throwback jersey to make it work, Houston? Totally cheating.
Almost believable, Nets fan! … Unlike your chances of ever seeing him like this.
And no, don’t even think about saying the name...
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Rumor Mill Roundup #2: We Like Lists
Above: The only person whose proverbial list I actually want to read right now.
1. Like everyone else, ESPN has come out with a gripping list of top five guesses for who will get LBJ 2.0. Guess who’s at the top?
I’ll give you a hint. Their river caught on fire.
If you said “Cleveland,” you are clearly unacquainted with the mutually disdainful relationship enjoyed by ESPN...
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The Sound of Desperation: Pitiable.
Update: Apparently the video has been removed! Perhaps due to the delayed realization of its embarrassing nature? If you can find another version of it somewhere, feel free to post it below. But I won’t hold my breath!
Original Post:
See if you can make it through all of this video. I couldn’t. Well, I listened to it, but I could only watch through my interlaced fingers, which is...
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"Don't have a bad game. Not one."
Above: Infallible, photographic proof that New York Knicks fans have made their players cry, and will not hesitate before resorting to “yo momma” jokes.
Psst. NY Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora is trying to tell you something, LeBron. Don’t pay any mind to the fact that he plays a completely different sport than you, by the way. Just heed his words, as printed in The New...
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Bulls Buzz: LeBron Seeking Love Nest? Just Keep...
Possible caption for above: LeBron and Michael express shock and confusion (in that order) at rumors that they are a secret couple, and share jerseys.
Twitter was all aflutter today with allegations that LeBron was cruising for a Chicago crib with help from Michael Jordan, just a few blocks from the Bulls stadium.
Doesn’t that sound like the beginning of a bad joke?
“So LeBron...
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Rumor Mill Roundup #1: It Begins.
First of all, I know it’s kind of irrelevant, but I need to express my disbelief that LeMomGate is still going strong.
If you’ve been hiding in your fan bunker since Thursday’s game (perfectly understandable), rumor has it LeBron played so poorly last week because Delonte West was romancing his mom. Yeah. Because that seems logically sound. I’ll probably devote an entire...
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Introducing: Witness Wednesday.
Now this … THIS … is a “Wordless Wednesday.” Except I ruined it, because here I am, writing words. But it’s too disturbing not to explain why little LBJ is shirtless in an Ohio cornfield.
This work of art comes from the archives of Sports Illustrated, where contributor Andy Gray likes to comb through old pictures of athletes in their awkward...
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Cleveland braces for LeBromageddon
If you’re not from Cleveland, you need to understand. LeBron James fuels our economy. Heck, LeBron James is our economy.
He’s our tourist industry, too.
Have you seen the massive Nike posters that yearly adorn the tallest skyscrapers in our city? Okay, so there are only two of them. But one of our two skyscrapers has his face plastered all over it, and that pretty much sums up how...